What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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