i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
