HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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