it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
