LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
