you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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