if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
We had to coat check the pizza.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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