my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
