you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
