I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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