i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
