She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
