I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
My balls are so social today.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize