I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
