Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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