made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
