Jerry, you need to find god
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
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Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
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I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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