Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
