Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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