no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Randomize
