Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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