I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
