went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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