Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
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