guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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