it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
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