just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
