I'm so fucking centered right now
Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
