idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
