our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
