I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
