I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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