Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
