dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
