i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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