My first STD was from a foam party
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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