I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
