I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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