I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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