I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
