I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
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Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
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You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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