i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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