Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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