Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
50% drunk capacity currently
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
