his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
