After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
