Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
