the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
