Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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