I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
