she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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