i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
