So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
