I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
